A Bit of Humor From the
Faculty Lounge

Our School's Homework Policy

Politically Correct Student Excuses

Many of these were contributed by colleagues and we would encourage you to send any bits of Staff Room humor -- 'true' or not.
Send to Department of Good Humor for posting.

POLITICALLY CORRECT STUDENT EXCUSES

• No one fails a class anymore, they are merely "passing impaired."

• You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."

• Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

• These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

• Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

• Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

• Your homework isn't missing, it's just having an "out-of-notebook
  experience."

• You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

• You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

• You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

• You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

• No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

• You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

• You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

• You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

• You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a
  mandatory in-school field trip."

• It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of
  near-factual information."

• The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively
  challenged."
  

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You Might Be a Teacher If ....

• You believe the Staff Room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
• You find humor in other people's stupidity.
• You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"
• You believe chocolate is a food group.
• You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
• You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.
• You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
• When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
• You have no time for a life from August to June.
• Marking all As on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.
• When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
• You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."
• You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
• You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.
• You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for at least 5 years.
• You've ever had you profession slammed by someone who would never DREAM of doing your job.
• You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.
• You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.
• You know you're in for a MAJOR project when a parent says, "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun!"
• You smile weakly, but want to choke a person when he/she says, "Oh, you must have such FUN every day. It must be like playtime for you."
• Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.
• Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

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How Can You Tell If You Are a Real Teacher?

• Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and (at the end of the six weeks) have been seen grading in church.
• Real teachers cheer when they hear April 1 does not fall on a school day.
• Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.
• Real teachers clutch a pencil while thinking and make notes in the margins of books.
• Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.
• Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.
• Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning their backs on the class.
• Real teachers are written up in medical journals for size and elasticity of kidneys and bladders.
• Real teachers have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.
• Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will show up at Open House.
• Real teachers volunteer for hall duty on days faculty meetings are scheduled.
• Real teachers never teach the conjugations of lie and lay to eighth graders.
• Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.
• Real teachers know the best end of semester lesson plans can come from Blockbuster.
• Real teachers never take grades after Wednesday of the last week of the six weeks.
• Real teachers never assign research papers on the last six weeks or essays on final exams.
• Real teachers know the shortest distance and the length of travel time from their classroom to the office.
• Real teachers can "sense" gum.
• Real teachers know the difference among what must be graded, what ought to be graded, and what probably should never again see the light of day.
• Real teachers are solely responsible for the destruction of the rain forest.
• Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.
• Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.
• Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil at Sam's.
• Real teachers will eat anything that is put in the workroom/Staff Room.
• Real teachers never plan discussions for the first of the day or cooperative groups for the end of the day, or during an evaluation.
• Real teachers have the assistant principals' and counselors' home phone numbers.
• Real teachers know secretaries and custodians run the school.
• Real teachers know the rules don't really apply to them.
• Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely non-expendable.

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Comments You Might Consider for
This Year's Report Cards...

• Since our last conference, this student has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
• His friends would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
• I would not allow this student to breed.
• This student is really not so much of a has-been as more of a definite won't-be.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
• When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
• He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• This student should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
• His mind is a full six-pack of soda, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
• A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
• He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
• I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
• He's been working with glue too much.
• He would argue with a signpost.
• He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
• When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.
• If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
• A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on.
• Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
• Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
• Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
• It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm cells and made it to conception.
• One neuron short of a synapse.
• Some drink from a fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
• Takes him an hour and a half  to watch "60 Minutes".
• His wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

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I Am, Therefore I Teach.

Let me see if I've got this right....

I am to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning.  Not only that, I am to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, and observe them for signs of abuse, drugs, and T-shirt messages.

I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns and raise their self-esteem.  I am to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook and how to apply for a job, but I am never to ask if they are in this country illegally.

I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, and encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, always making sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.

I am required by my contract to be working, on my own time, summers, and evenings and at my own expense towards additional certification, advance certification and a master's degree, to sponsor the cheerleaders or the sophomore class and after school I am to attend committee and faculty
meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my current certification and employment status.

I am to collect data and maintain all records to support and document our building's progress in the selected state mandated program to "assess and upgrade educational excellence in the public schools."

I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority.  I am to pledge allegiance to supporting family values, a return to the basics, and my current administration.

I am to incorporate technology into the learning, but monitor all web sites for appropriateness while providing a personal one-on-one relationship with each student.  I am to decide who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit crimes in school or who is possibly being abused and I can be sent to jail for not mentioning these suspicions to those in
authority.

I am to make sure ALL students pass the state and federally mandated testing and all classes, whether or not they attend school on a regular basis or complete any of the work assigned. I am to communicate frequently with each student's parent by letter, phone, newsletter, and grade card.

I am to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books (most often times purchased with my own money), a bulletin board, a 45 minute or less plan time, and a big smile on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states.

I am to do all of this -- and you expect me to do it without praying?

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